This is my Dear John

An old poem

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 23:17:01 -0400

At that Moment?

I decided to love you, at a time so bitter sweet.
Like mahogany on oat, or the sand between my feet.
I saw inside of you someone so kind and prone to fall.
And at that moment, I knew I wanted to take it all.
To take away your pain and heal you at the root.
To bring you joy and happiness like music from a flute.
To hold you at your weakest, and celebrate at your peaks.
To love you more excessively, the more you fought to seek.
To find the one who’d love you, to make you feel complete…
The one you’d cherish ever more, the music to your heartbeat.
The more I tried to fight it, the more I couldn’t help…
But to fall in love with you, fooling no one but myself.
It was at that moment that I looked deep within your eyes,
And saw that your happiness was the ultimate goal of mine.
To hold you and love you when you felt so unworthy,
To comfort you and restore you in your deepest hurting,
To put together your broken heart, and make you a new,
That is all I ever wanted to do.

I’ve been thinkin’ bout forever

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 23:11:20 -0400

I’ve been thinkin’ bout forever

I’m in love

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 23:09:32 -0400

I’m in love

The power of an illusion. The power of stereotypes. So many of...

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:50:15 -0400

The power of an illusion. The power of stereotypes. So many of us try so hard to break those stereotypes. And when we do break those stereotypes, we either are inferior—still, or we are put on pedestals & over glorified, with witnesses waiting for the falter. Yet, the illusion of race, the illusion of a defined group, should not exist. As humans, we are all creatures of God. We shall not be defined by the way we look, by our biology, by our culture, by our likes and dislikes. We must embrace the creation of diversity.

Genius

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:42:33 -0400

DOPENESS

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:30:13 -0400

DOPENESS

sure is right. People cannot be trusted, especially females!...

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 13:47:10 -0400

sure is right. People cannot be trusted, especially females! Loyalty means nothing nowadays to friends.

if you didn’t know her then…

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:56:04 -0400

if you didn’t know her then…

runnin' the game...for now...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 18:53:31 -0400

baby, tonight’s the night we lose control…....

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 03:22:25 -0400

baby, tonight’s the night we lose control…. I’ll be the best you ever had. I don’t wanna brag. But I will be the best you ever had.

Nothing’s ever promised today

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 03:18:27 -0400

Nothing’s ever promised today

The storm before the calm

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:43:00 -0400

…I wake up and I panic because I don’t know where my phone is. I look around in my sheets. With my eyes half open, half shut, I touch my bed to feel for my phone. And to my panic, it is found on the floor. With the clock reading “8:31 AM” I exclaim “SHIT!” Thoughts of anguish, panic, disappointment, terror and disappoint all rush to settle upon my chest. I have woken up late for my final exam, which started at 8:00 AM. Yet another failed wake up, another set back to myself. Another failure, in my eyes. I rush out of the door, with time to only change my top, grab my backpack as I hurriedly tried to stuff what I could recall back in my backpack, grabbed a hoodie, and ran out the door. On the way down the stairs, as I was rushing to the garage to exit, I forgot I had no socks on. Panicked, I grabbed my mom’s socks on the shoe rack and quickly put them on to leave. I enter my car, it’s about 5 minutes later, and I am cussing at myself, on the verge of tears, and panicked. Am I ready for this exam? No. Am I feeling unworthy, unconfident, and fearful? Yes.

I arrive at school approximately 9:00 AM. I have time to start and finish my exam, with about 60 minutes remaining. About half an hour later, I am finished. Feeling like I knew about 75-80% of the exam. I am praying and hoping I pass, with even a 70/75, but I know I missed more than 5 answers. I start thinking about how I messed up so much, I overlooked the syllabi, messed up on the research participation, etc, and I start to tear up. Because if this means the end of the road for psychology, I have failed myself. I have failed to live up to the values I uphold on education. I have failed to accomplish a goal that is towards the bigger picture, that I hope to achieve, in order to make my parents proud. I have failed to purchase my one-way train ride to success and a better future.

Sigh. I take my second exam at 10:30 AM. I don’t do well, but our instructor warns us it is difficult, but she is willing to curve the test. I have calculate my results, and I will pass with at least a B, if not B+, A-. That is to some relief. Yet tomorrow, I have my last final of the quarter. Hard? A bit philosophical and intimidating. But I intend on studying. I refuse to fail. Or do I even have that option still?

Constant negative thoughts linger my mind. Will I get revoked? I am meeting with the Chair of the Dept today. What’s left of me stands, not so tall, insecure, and fragile. My dignity left me as I woke up this morning. My faith and hope, is somewhere lost between self-pity, guilt and disappointment.

I seek for grace and mercy. Do I deserve it though. Really?!

It's 1:20 AM

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 04:21:00 -0400

And studying has been this on and off again task. I feel somewhat confident… well, if I have to add skepticism, then there is no confidence I presume. Sigh.

I have no motivation. Feelings of doubt, depression, and hopelessness cloud my mind. Why? Scared of rejection from the school. Academics is all I have. I don’t have a modeling body, I don’t have the singer’s voice, I don’t have the actor’s glam… My brain is all I have. And here it is, going through mental phases of trials, in hopes for triumph.

My nurse told me to start journaling again. This is my version of journaling… I’ve lost my sense of all hope in writing, yet it remains (along with reading) the very thing(s) that draws me in. Especially my love for spoken word and poetry. Although it the love may be lost, it’s still there.

Well, I have to make this short because I desperately must try to study. Check this book out though:

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 04:15:49 -0400

Ticking time bomb

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 00:46:30 -0400

When I am stressed, like, to my extreme, I get a high, very high dosage of anxiety. I also get antsy, disorderly, angry, and stressed due to the demands of studying, final exams, lack of support at home, and home dynamics. Sigh.

I need to take yoga, or learn how to take relaxation breathing courses. I hate the feelings finals bring on me. So much anxiety.

I have to leave in 2 minutes to pick up babe. But tell me why, I am SO stressed, I was hungry, came home to cook (although I did not want to, nor had time to)… I rushed the cooking, ate some kimchi, got tired of it, tried the yaki miki i cooked, and got tired after having to chew. I wanted to just swallow it. That’s how anxious and angry I was. I not only flipped out on my mom, everything in the kitchen too. I ate yogurt since I didnt’ have to chew it, and got disgusted and wanted to throw up. I wanted to eat pico de gallo, which I took a few bites of, but lost appeal.

Sigh. So much anxiety in me right now. I am anxiously waiting for the exams tomorrow. I pray I don’t fail my exam tomorrow. If not, I am doomed. Which trigger me back to depression. FML.

I need a Christ-centered approach to life—and I’ve lacked that for a while now.

*Takes a deep breath*

Still waiting to exhale

The Value of Education

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 20:51:51 -0400

Growing up in poverty, my parents made me feel like I was livin’ in mansions. Literally. They never once told us we were poor. They eagerly provided for us, paid all the bills, and managed to try their best, in spite of the differences in cultures, to love us, the American way. It wasn’t years later, till I was in middle school that I found out we were on government assistance. What was this to me? I wasn’t sure either. Hand-me-down clothes were prized possessions. Going to the food bank? Was like an invigorating shopping spree. Rushing through the doors like it was Black Friday—looking for new clothes, trying to get some new hangers, while also looking for new toys, and getting free food. I was in heaven. I was always excited to go to the food bank. I didn’t know. …Well fast forward a few years later… in between time I was in 8th grade and didn’t want to go to college. I wanted to graduate high school and work my tush off to be “rich”. Fast forward a few more years, I started valuing the meaning of education. I had 4.0’s all throughout my middle school years. With an unsteady and horrible guidance of math, that destroyed me. I lingered through high school with 3.4’s to 3.6’s. I realized sophomore year that was college was for me. Northwest University was my mindset, and that was where I was going. Christian, and education? Perfect. Ha, to my surprise, Seattle Pacific University was calling me. Off I went, 2008.

Aside from that, it seems I went off a tangent on the purpose I am writing this. What does education mean? And what kind of stature does it give to people? An undergraduate degree in Communications and Psychology. Psychology. The one major that intrigues me yet tears me a part at the seams. If I don’t pass this general course (my 2nd time taking it) I have failed. I have failed not on myself, but my family. Yes. And if I am revoked my acceptance of the Psychology department? How devastated I will be. All my hard work trying to bring up my 2.0 GPA to an honor roll GPA. I worked 2 years to bring my GPA from a 2.0 to a 3.04. And in a matter of hours and days… the final exams will define and measure my intelligence of passing a course to work towards my undergraduate studies. The thought of heartbreak aches inside my soul. I pray to God, but I am hopeless—because I do not even believe in myself that I can pass. I have contemplated the painful departure from psychology. I have thought about endless consequences, to all lead to one: my rejection from this mind-blowing department. My struggles with insecurities, self image, health and depression all run through my mind as the past 10 weeks have consumed me. Hospital visits, medications, trying to decide between work, school, or leadership activities, and all in between drinking, friends, money, bills. All the stressors in my life that I have denied are excuses to why I am failing… yet they sound so easy to blame. Am I wrong for wanting to blame my failures on the simple truth that I am struggling as a 21 year old Asian American female? Is it wrong for me to say that I am struggling in all of my classes because I am going through a deep conflict inside where my body hates me and I have to worry everyday about what I’m going to wear, how I’m going to cover things up, how I’m going to pay off my bills, how I’m going to be perceived by others because I choose to look and live this way. Because I, I am not sure I see the hope anymore. Not sure I know what optimism is anymore.

With that, I’m not sure I see for myself, the value of an education. In hopes to truly move out, pay off all my bills, and start paying back my parents, I feel the deadly need inside to wither away in the dust because I do not feel confident or adequate to take on these life challenges. I do not feel like I am strong enough or even educated enough to make a good living, to make about poverty limits, to be classiflied as successful (does that entile middle class?) and to give my parents the thousands of dollars they deserve after raising me for 21 years. What is an education if I’ve lost my way? What is my education worth if I worked so hard to try to graduate towards a dual degree, that with my lack of support, lack of motivation, and lack of inspiration… what good is it to me? If I graduate with only 1 degree (in Comm.) I will have failed myself. It is a greater failure within than anything. And to what will I do with a communication degree?

Sigh. The possibilities to me, have ended, even before they began.

3 more days...

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 23:56:02 -0400

The challenge yet again, to stop drinking for the quarter, and to start when the quarter finishes. A great goal because, believe it or not, people love to start goals, and never see them through. I hate being one of those people. Who endlessly say things like, “I’m on a break” or “I’m done for a while” or “I need to be low-key” or “I don’t want to go out this week” but end up breaking all of them, or being a contradiction—or even a hypocrite. I do, 50/50 commit to my goals to prove people wrong. You know why? I rise above their criticism and say to them, through actions, that “Hey bitch. I’m keepin’ my word. If I don’t keep my word, I’ll end up looking like 1) a joke or 2) an alcoholic.” And dear friends, hell no, I’m not an alcoholic. Being sober on alcohol these past 2.5 months has been an adventure. Endless nights of taking care of my friends, great, sober memories, but also, a lot of wasted time depressed on personal issues, physical stressors, etc. I told myself that once I start again on Thursday, I will have BETTER self control. And I believe in myself. I refuse to be classified as the same. Ha. I’m setting the standard.

Photo

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 23:51:32 -0400

Reinforcing Power Structures and the White Man’s Burden through Goodwill: A Critique of Invisible Children’s Kony 2012 Campaign

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:41:16 -0500

poweredbyavocado:

Reinforcing Power Structures and the White Man’s Burden through Goodwill: A Critique of Invisible Children’s Kony 2012 Campaign

In an attempt to address the 21-year conflict and war in northern Uganda, Invisible Children has launched yet again another campaign to raise awareness. This new campaign, “Kony 2012,” is misguided, however and reductionist in approach. Invisible Children (IC), like numerous NGOs, fail to acknowledge their own affiliation and maintenance of power structures, American hegemony, and domination. Through trendy t-shirts, bracelets and symbols, IC sensationalizes the suffering of a community while advocating to alleviate it. They legitimize military intervention as a means to an end and reinforce the “White Man’s Burden” through goodwill and charity.

Because of this and many other reasons I will outline below, I say: something is wrong here. Very very wrong.

I feel in taking this position, I have to make clear that YES Joseph Kony, the leader or the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) should be stopped, apprehended and brought to justice (whatever that may look like). However, I will not support IC’s campaign if it means reducing the conflict and people’s lives to an advocacy kit and deadline.

I first traveled to Northern Uganda in 2010 and spent over 5 months living in Gulu conducting research on peace education programs in secondary and primary schools. That experience did not magically change my life, but what it did was give me a unique perspective and insight on this issue. It helped me to see the obvious devastation of 21 years of war, but to also see the way in which people in northern Uganda are living out meaningful and complex lives. Their existence cannot and should not be defined by “Kony 2012” and a shallow understanding of Ugandan history.

Watching this new film by Invisible Children invoked a lot of memories for me. I don’t have the best history with Invisible Children. In 2008-9 I became involved with the Jazz for Justice Project (JfJ) at the Univ. of TN, which organizes concerts and film-screenings to promote peace and reconciliation in northern Uganda. Through JfJ I met a small group of incredible activists who were passionate about what happened and what was still happening there. I joined their campaign called “Educate” which was a response to IC’s “Rescue” campaign that promoted selling “I heart the LRA” shirts and encouraged U.S. teenagers and young adults to “abduct” themselves until the U.S. government responded to their proposal on stopping the LRA. We wanted to show how insensitive and well absurd this campaign was, but we were heavily criticized by IC supporters. Eventually my friends arranged meetings with the IC leaders (including Jason) and they discontinued the shirts (to my knowledge) and they changed their website to reflect current developments of the war. By that time, the war had ended in a cease-fire between the LRA and the Ugandan government forces, but IC’s website never indicated that fact. I began to question how fair this was to the people they were claiming to help.

Over the years, I’ve encountered many IC supporters who still to this day are not educated about the history of the war and the powerful political nature of the war in which anthropologist Sverker Finnstrom called, “a global war even if fought on local grounds.” How does one tell IC and its supporters that this war has international implications and ramifications and cannot simply be summed up in “Kony 2012?” The film will tell you that Kony is not fighting for a cause, but for power and that he is not supported by anyone. This however, is a one-dimensional view of the conflict. The LRA began as a politically oriented group that released a manifesto denouncing the marginalization of the Acholi people by the Uganda government (President Museveni’s government). There is also a substantial amount of proof that Kony had help and was for a time supported by the Sudanese government. To think that Kony maintained this rebel group without support is truly misleading.

How does one explain this to someone who has been moved by IC? How does one say that many Ugandans do not agree with IC’s strategies? What is problematic about calling your supporters “an army of young people?” How does one say that this is not a black and white issue?

So yes, I was skeptical about this new initiative and film. But my mind held out hope that IC had finally taken this constructive criticism, not just by JfJ but by other groups and persons, and applied them. Sadly, I was mistaken. And now their new campaign is seeking to make Joseph Kony “famous.”

How ludicrous.

As I kept watching the video, I began to weep. It was just after Jason said we are “making Kony famous … a household name” that I could not hold back my tears. I cannot begin to explain how insensitive this approach is. Invisible Children’s ideals are rooted in American culture and that culture is hegemonic. The individuals who subscribe to “rescuing or saving African children” take for granted the privilege that they are afforded due to the degradation of the rest of the world. This is evident to me as I see young people subscribing to something that appears benevolent, but that maintains the system that made it possible for this war to go on without international attention.

Over half the film focuses on Jason and his young son. This is a theme in IC’s work, in which they spend far too much time and energy promoting what they have done instead of focusing on the issue. This is not a movement, it is a trend. It inspires people with great myths about changing the world if they could only catch this warlord. And the fact that there is still no mention that there is no war going on in Uganda is absolutely baffling. There is also no mention of the other countries that the LRA has committed atrocities in (the DRC, Southern Sudan and CAR).

IC: These children were never invisible. Their community saw them and continues to see them. You made them invisible so you can say you helped the world to “see” them. That is privilege. It is your American/Western privilege that allows you to assume such things and reconstruct people’s lives on film in a way that glorifies your efforts instead of bring attention to those suffering and those Ugandans working on behalf of peace, justice and healing in their community. The White Man’s Burden is so heavy, isn’t it?

This is not all to say that organizations such as Invisible Children should cease to exist or be dismantled; however, it is to say that in the current context of the world, one has to reevaluate how power is constructed, challenged or transformed in order to create a better world for people like those rebuilding their lives in northern Uganda.

I’ll be returning for the third time to Uganda this summer and the more I travel there the more I learn, but the more questions I have. This is the complexity, the depth the reality that is missing from Invisible Children. Instead of building bridges between communities they are making celebrities of themselves.

So I invite you dear friends to look at the structure, the bigger picture that we are in and ask yourself tough questions about the commodification of charity. Question how consumerism is increasingly made to look altruistic when the former is a primary cause for devastation around the world. Unlike what IC promotes, “Kony 2012” will not “change the nature of our country.” It will only reinforces cultural hegemony and ignorance. We may never be able to get around this structure, but there are better ways to go about advocacy.

-Jayanni Elizabeth Webster

This article was shared with me by a good friend. Do yourself and your followers a favor and spread it around!

icarter891: I bet you don’t know.

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:41:00 -0500

icarter891:

I bet you don’t know.