The storm before the calm
…I wake up and I panic because I don’t know where my phone is. I look around in my sheets. With my eyes half open, half shut, I touch my bed to feel for my phone. And to my panic, it is found on the floor. With the clock reading “8:31 AM” I exclaim “SHIT!” Thoughts of anguish, panic, disappointment, terror and disappoint all rush to settle upon my chest. I have woken up late for my final exam, which started at 8:00 AM. Yet another failed wake up, another set back to myself. Another failure, in my eyes. I rush out of the door, with time to only change my top, grab my backpack as I hurriedly tried to stuff what I could recall back in my backpack, grabbed a hoodie, and ran out the door. On the way down the stairs, as I was rushing to the garage to exit, I forgot I had no socks on. Panicked, I grabbed my mom’s socks on the shoe rack and quickly put them on to leave. I enter my car, it’s about 5 minutes later, and I am cussing at myself, on the verge of tears, and panicked. Am I ready for this exam? No. Am I feeling unworthy, unconfident, and fearful? Yes.
I arrive at school approximately 9:00 AM. I have time to start and finish my exam, with about 60 minutes remaining. About half an hour later, I am finished. Feeling like I knew about 75-80% of the exam. I am praying and hoping I pass, with even a 70/75, but I know I missed more than 5 answers. I start thinking about how I messed up so much, I overlooked the syllabi, messed up on the research participation, etc, and I start to tear up. Because if this means the end of the road for psychology, I have failed myself. I have failed to live up to the values I uphold on education. I have failed to accomplish a goal that is towards the bigger picture, that I hope to achieve, in order to make my parents proud. I have failed to purchase my one-way train ride to success and a better future.
Sigh. I take my second exam at 10:30 AM. I don’t do well, but our instructor warns us it is difficult, but she is willing to curve the test. I have calculate my results, and I will pass with at least a B, if not B+, A-. That is to some relief. Yet tomorrow, I have my last final of the quarter. Hard? A bit philosophical and intimidating. But I intend on studying. I refuse to fail. Or do I even have that option still?
Constant negative thoughts linger my mind. Will I get revoked? I am meeting with the Chair of the Dept today. What’s left of me stands, not so tall, insecure, and fragile. My dignity left me as I woke up this morning. My faith and hope, is somewhere lost between self-pity, guilt and disappointment.
I seek for grace and mercy. Do I deserve it though. Really?!