This is my Dear John

An old poem

At that Moment?

I’ve been thinkin’ bout forever

I’m in love

The power of an illusion. The power of stereotypes. So many of us try so hard to break those stereotypes. And when we do break those stereotypes, we either are inferior—still, or we are put on pedestals & over glorified, with witnesses waiting for the falter. Yet, the illusion of race, the illusion of a defined group, should not exist. As humans, we are all creatures of God. We shall not be defined by the way we look, by our biology, by our culture, by our likes and dislikes. We must embrace the creation of diversity. 

(Source: nomorefuckingstories, via jaymonstah-deactivated20130412)

Genius

DOPENESS

(Source: adrienlo, via jaymonstah-deactivated20130412)

sure is right. People cannot be trusted, especially females! Loyalty means nothing nowadays to friends.

(Source: lovejennnamarie, via jaymonstah-deactivated20130412)

if you didn’t know her then…

runnin’ the game…for now…

baby, tonight’s the night we lose control…. I’ll be the best you ever had. I don’t wanna brag. But I will be the best you ever had.

Nothing’s ever promised today

The storm before the calm

…I wake up and I panic because I don’t know where my phone is. I look around in my sheets. With my eyes half open, half shut, I touch my bed to feel for my phone. And to my panic, it is found on the floor. With the clock reading “8:31 AM” I exclaim “SHIT!” Thoughts of anguish, panic, disappointment, terror and disappoint all rush to settle upon my chest. I have woken up late for my final exam, which started at 8:00 AM. Yet another failed wake up, another set back to myself. Another failure, in my eyes. I rush out of the door, with time to only change my top, grab my backpack as I hurriedly tried to stuff what I could recall back in my backpack, grabbed a hoodie, and ran out the door. On the way down the stairs, as I was rushing to the garage to exit, I forgot I had no socks on. Panicked, I grabbed my mom’s socks on the shoe rack and quickly put them on to leave. I enter my car, it’s about 5 minutes later, and I am cussing at myself, on the verge of tears, and panicked. Am I ready for this exam? No. Am I feeling unworthy, unconfident, and fearful? Yes.

I arrive at school approximately 9:00 AM. I have time to start and finish my exam, with about 60 minutes remaining. About half an hour later, I am finished. Feeling like I knew about 75-80% of the exam. I am praying and hoping I pass, with even a 70/75, but I know I missed more than 5 answers. I start thinking about how I messed up so much, I overlooked the syllabi, messed up on the research participation, etc, and I start to tear up. Because if this means the end of the road for psychology, I have failed myself. I have failed to live up to the values I uphold on education. I have failed to accomplish a goal that is towards the bigger picture, that I hope to achieve, in order to make my parents proud. I have failed to purchase my one-way train ride to success and a better future. 

Sigh. I take my second exam at 10:30 AM. I don’t do well, but our instructor warns us it is difficult, but she is willing to curve the test. I have calculate my results, and I will pass with at least a B, if not B+, A-. That is to some relief. Yet tomorrow, I have my last final of the quarter. Hard? A bit philosophical and intimidating. But I intend on studying. I refuse to fail. Or do I even have that option still?

Constant negative thoughts linger my mind. Will I get revoked? I am meeting with the Chair of the Dept today. What’s left of me stands, not so tall, insecure, and fragile. My dignity left me as I woke up this morning. My faith and hope, is somewhere lost between self-pity, guilt and disappointment. 

I seek for grace and mercy. Do I deserve it though. Really?!

It’s 1:20 AM

And studying has been this on and off again task. I feel somewhat confident… well, if I have to add skepticism, then there is no confidence I presume. Sigh.

I have no motivation. Feelings of doubt, depression, and hopelessness cloud my mind. Why? Scared of rejection from the school. Academics is all I have. I don’t have a modeling body, I don’t have the singer’s voice, I don’t have the actor’s glam… My brain is all I have. And here it is, going through mental phases of trials, in hopes for triumph. 

My nurse told me to start journaling again. This is my version of journaling… I’ve lost my sense of all hope in writing, yet it remains (along with reading) the very thing(s) that draws me in. Especially my love for spoken word and poetry. Although it the love may be lost, it’s still there. 

Well, I have to make this short because I desperately must try to study. Check this book out though:

Ticking time bomb

When I am stressed, like, to my extreme, I get a high, very high dosage of anxiety. I also get antsy, disorderly, angry, and stressed due to the demands of studying, final exams, lack of support at home, and home dynamics. Sigh.

I need to take yoga, or learn how to take relaxation breathing courses. I hate the feelings finals bring on me. So much anxiety.

I have to leave in 2 minutes to pick up babe. But tell me why, I am SO stressed, I was hungry, came home to cook (although I did not want to, nor had time to)… I rushed the cooking, ate some kimchi, got tired of it, tried the yaki miki i cooked, and got tired after having to chew. I wanted to just swallow it. That’s how anxious and angry I was. I not only flipped out on my mom, everything in the kitchen too. I ate yogurt since I didnt’ have to chew it, and got disgusted and wanted to throw up. I wanted to eat pico de gallo, which I took a few bites of, but lost appeal. 

Sigh. So much anxiety in me right now. I am anxiously waiting for the exams tomorrow. I pray I don’t fail my exam tomorrow. If not, I am doomed. Which trigger me back to depression. FML.

I need a Christ-centered approach to life—and I’ve lacked that for a while now. 

*Takes a deep breath*

Still waiting to exhale